1, 2, 3, 4...repeat

I'll let you in on a little secret, I am power hungry. But not in the way one may think - I have tried to climb the proverbial corporate ladder and slipped on a few rungs, but the power I seek is much more personal - the power of control, to make outcomes what I truly believe they should be. For that hunger I can not be satiated. 

My entire life I have struggled with OCD. Not the everyday kind that many think they have where they must check to see if they locked the front door or turned off the stove - mine is the kind that keeps me up at night. The kind that forces me to count in 4s, walk a certain way, repeat a saying (more times that I care to admit), touch something just right, the list goes on and on. And if I don't do these things - well it is obvious, someone will die, there will be a car accident, shooting, hurricane, tsunami - you name it - it will happen. 

In my 34 years I have found some relief to my "madness" and many of the treatments I have sought have worked - but my desire for control is never fulfilled. Perhaps that is why I seek order in so many different ways. Why my quest for organization will never be achieved, why my spreadsheets, planners, lists and calendars will never have the correct method of clarity. I am and will forever be an obsesser. 

So how does this pertain to my journey? Because I have picked one of the most insane paths to walk down for someone who craves control and power - foster care. Last night sitting at my dining room table were two key planners in the case of our little girl and no matter how many times they repeat it, no matter how many times I hear it, I just can't seem to grasp it. We have NO control. No matter how many meetings I attend, emails I send, how much I love, fight, claw my way to justice - it is out of our control. The outcome is left for others to decide and I can't handle that truth. 

I am not religious, but I do believe in karma and the power of good. I must believe that someone will see this little girl deserves stability, love and us. I must let go of the need to control the outcome, because as I have been told - I can't. 

So until then, I will count, repeat, and pretend it all makes sense - because that is the only power I have.