India will be there

They say life happens when you are busy making other plans. In my case, that couldn't be more true. 

More than a year ago I decided to go to India for what was sure to be a life-changing volunteer trip. I was working a stable job and my family life was peaceful, so I looked at the calendar and selected November 1, 2014 as the date to report for service in Chennai, India. 

My plans were made, little did I know, life would happen. 

I got laid off from my "stable" job at the end of June, found a new job and truly couldn't be happier. It was a blessing, as now I am doing what I love with people who support and inspire me. I was incredibly fortunate to have a boss who supported my already planned trip and being out of the office for three weeks. 

Then court happened. As you know, we have been fighting a difficult system for two years for our foster daughter. A severance trial was scheduled (with no input from foster parents for obvious reasons) and it was scheduled for the week before I was to be traveling to India. One can imagine my horror when the culmination of two years would all come to a head when I was supposed to taking the trip of a lifetime a world away. 

I know myself, I live and breath anxiety, there was no way I could go to another country while the fate of my family was being decided thousand of miles away. 

I agonized over my decision; I cried on many people's shoulders. I was and still am terrified to let the people down who supported me in my journey, both emotionally and financially. Could I possibly postpone my trip, would they forgive me, was I making the right decision? 

I will never forget the words of my friend, she said "you are a mom now, your choices will be different" and that is OK. 

That brings us to today and my decision to postpone my trip to India. I will more than likely leave in a few months, when business at my office is slow and the (god willing) adoption of our little angel goes through.

I want this trip to be everything I have dreamed it to be. I want this trip to be a time for me to find myself, sit in solitude and to help others - and I need to be fully present in mind, body and spirit for that to happen. 

So I have paid a penalty fee and am starting to feel OK with my decision, and this week the universe confirmed I made the right choice.

Last week we received the news the boys would be transitioning home on the day I was set to fly to India. I am sure to be devastated and being away from my support systems at that time wouldn't be good. 

Then, I learned on Tuesday my dear grandmother passed away. My sadness requires support from so many and being away wouldn't have helped the situation.

So in all, no matter how much it sucks and how disappointed I am, I know I made the right decision. 

I promise all my friends and family who have supported me, I didn't make this decision lightly. I have lost sleep, shed many tears and feel many pangs of disappointment - but I will make it to India very soon and when I do, I know it will be the right time. 

I will always love you

Yesterday we received the news we knew was coming, our two sweet boys will be leaving soon - very soon. We knew it was coming, but once you see the date the reality of it all sets in. In just a few days the boys you have held while they cried, left constant night lights on for, taught to walk, talk and dance will no longer need you.  

They will be gone. 

Getting into foster care these truths are something we are well aware of, but it doesn't make the goodbyes any less heart-wrenching. For 18 months we were his everything, we amended our license and amended our home for the last 12 months to bring in his brother. Now, they will be gone and I have a hole in my heart. 

The fact that they are going home, where they belong, to a good and decent family is more than we could have hoped for. My hope is that they look back on this time with us as a respite from their life, a chance to be safe, learn to smile again, trust others, have fun adventures, and feel the warm pull of a truly loving hug.  

In the next few days I will do what I always do, make a photo album, write them each letters from my heart, kiss them goodbye and hope that one day I can see them again, one day I can remind them how much I loved them and how many times they made me smile. 

In a few short days the crying, tantrums, endless basketball games and sweet kisses will end, and I will no longer be there mother. In a few short days my responsibilities cease to exist for them, I will no longer need to worry if they brushed their teeth, have a wet diaper, ate a healthy lunch or need their nails trimmed. 

The nightlight will turn off and the darkness sadness and scares me.