Goodbye Fingers

Today marks the last day my three year old daughter can find solace in sucking her two fingers. Today will be the last few hours I look the other way as she slyly puts them into her mouth and covers them with the crook of her elbow. Tomorrow, the habit must begin to break. 

I have been putting this day off for quite sometime; allowing the habit to take hold in the quiet moments of each day. Born addicted to opiates, from what I have been told, she was sucking on her fingers from day one. A little, bitty baby, in the hospital, strung out, scared and looking for comfort. Those two fingers gave that to her. 

For the six months she spent neglected in her crib, those two fingers were the hug from her bio mom she was missing, the kiss on the cheek she didn't get, the arms of her birth father that never wrapped around her. Those two fingers were her security blanket, her comfort, her safety net in a world that was too scary to brave alone. Like a superhero's cape, those two fingers allowed her to soothe herself to sleep, to wait another few hours until someone remembered to feed her. Those two fingers were there, when no one else was.

So thank you fingers. Thank you for comforting my daughter prior to our paths connecting. Thank you for giving her a way to fall asleep before I could rock her. Thank you for stepping in before her destined dad could hug her tightly and whisper he loved her. Thank you for always being there. As sad as it is it see you go, it brings me great joy to know you are no longer needed. 

She will be comforted. She will be safe. She will be loved. Your job is done, we will take it from here. 

More than a home

One month ago today I was flying to Chennai, India for my volunteer vacation. I was nervous, excited and not quite sure what I was getting myself into. My time in India was challenging, inspiring, eye-opening and as cliche as it may sound, life-changing. 

What they don't tell you about a volunteer vacation is the fact that it's hardwork. The hours are long, the environment is uncomfortable and the emotions are high. And honestly, I can't wait to do another one. 

Looking back on my time in India the one thing I haven't written about much is the children. Partly because it is too new, too raw, too close to my heart. Sure, it is easy to share stories of my free-time; the sarees, the Indian Ocean, the food, the friends I made. But sharing stories of the amazing children - those stories are too real. 

In the time I have been back, I can't help but think of the boys at the children's home, SEAMs. Most without parents, some with one parent who can't afford their care. These boys live in a place most of us wouldn't be comfortable in for an hour. They are always barefoot, they share clothes, have no toys, no common forms of entertainment that our children take for granted. And they don't complain, never once. Not even a moment. I never heard one boy express boredom. They are just living for, and in, every moment.

We bought the boys a soccer ball and they played non-stop

Every night we would walk to SEAMs for "our shift". I am ashamed to say it, but there were some nights I just didn't want to go. We had already worked all day, the walk to the children's home was hot, dirty and smelly. The home sits right next to a motorbike shop. All you hear is the motorbikes being driven up wooden inclines; it was deafening. Our legs and arms were buffets for the intense bugs. The boys only have a dirt lot to play in, so it was dusty, dirty and very depressing. 

I remember one of my teammates saying that if we don't want to go for a few hours, imagine what it is like for these boys who live there. It was true. This entire trip was about leaving my comfort zone, getting off my American pedestal of assumed privilege and helping. 

Sharing a comb 

No matter what, each day when we walked through those doors I was immediately filled with love. The boys, most 8-13, would run up to us, giving us big hugs and toothy grins. They didn't speak our language; that is what we were there to help with. It didn't matter, we spoke to each other in a language of kindness, compassion and respect. 

I think about these boys everyday. I think about them as I tell my daughter she doesn't need another toy from the toy store. I think about them as I remind myself last season's purse is still perfectly usable. I think about them as I sit in my air-conditioned office, looking out on a clean city, drinking clean water, bug free and with all the comforts I could ask for. 

Arun

These children weren't asked to be born into poverty. Many of them have a long history of living on the street, naked, begging for money. I don't know what will happen to them. I fear the future isn't bright. 

I think of Arun, who wanted nothing more than a crayon and coloring book; as he asked me on my final day at the home "You come back next year?". 

"I will try." 

They put powder on their face to look more "fair", common in India

My last day, grabbing some pics before I leave

Team 156

"No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." Robert Southey

When the initial shock of signing up for a volunteer trip across the world, by myself, to India, wore off, the dread of who I would be spending my two weeks with set in. You see, I am not the easiest person to get along with. I have a very strong personality and usually know within the first five minutes of meeting someone (or really two to three seconds) if I will like them or not. So the thought of sharing a house, bathroom, and working alongside in very stressful situations with random people from across the globe - well, that scared the hell out of me. 

Luckily, the universe looked out for me and our team; team 156 to Chennai, was everything I could have hoped for and truly everything I needed. Cindy, Elizabeth, Jodie and Jenna, along with myself, bonded immediately and were truly ride-or-die with each other. 

Cindy:
I hope to be half the mother you are to your children. Global Volunteers says out of all of its programs "India is not for the faint of heart", we all went to India because it was our dream - you went to fulfill the dream of your daughter as a graduation gift and my heart bursts as I process the love you demonstrated. Watching you and Elizabeth together was special and truly beautiful. Your bond is one I hope to share with my daughter. I will forever remember laughing in the rickshaw with you about our sweaty faces and teenage breakouts. Next time you are in Tucson, you better look me up.

Elizabeth:
Your beauty, poise and intelligence is second to none. Your heart is so big and I truly believe you have the ability to change the world. Colorado is lucky to have their next true leader as a resident, and I can't wait to see where your journey takes you. I will be along for the ride and support you through it all. You are amazing and the world is yours - go grab it. 

Jodie:
Thank you for walking me off the proverbial ledge pre-India. You were such an amazing support system and truly not a wack-ado. You are such an incredible mother, friend and sister. Thank you for listening to me, laughing with me and hugging me when I needed it the most. Your talent behind the lens captured the special moments of our trip, the smiles of the children, the chaos of the streets, the sweat on our faces and the joy in our eyes. Thank you for that gift, it is one I will cherish for a lifetime. There is no one I would have rather "chased the naan" with then you. You will truly be my friend for life.

Jenna:
There is little I can say that sums it up better than "I just adore you". Thank you for bringing levity when we needed it the most. For being a sounding board when I needed someone to listen and for bringing your incredible gifts as a teacher to the children of Chennai. You truly made a difference. You are so talented and I sit in awe of you. I pray our paths will continue to intertwine, as the universe broke the mold when they made you.

I have always felt called to go to India. I can't describe it, I am not religious, but something always pushed me there. During a long drive from Chennai to Pondicherry, it hit me. I was called to India, for this exact moment. To meet these amazing women, to learn from them, cry with them, laugh among them, and become friends with them - friends I pray will last across continents, and stand the test of time. If not, I will always look back on our time together as some of the most meaningful of my life. 

Team 156, we set out to change the world, and while we left with a small start of a ripple of change, we each have the power to turn that ripple into a mighty wave. I love you all, and thank you. 

Erin, Elizabeth, Cindy, Jodie and Jenna

Massage Time

Everyone knows my adoration for massages. Everywhere I visit I try to get a local massage, especially if it can be a specialty massage of the area I am visiting. So clearly, when I am in India, I needed to get an Ayurvedic massage. 

Our host arranged for me to get the massage at a local facility. The place was modest to say the least. As I sat in the very hot waiting room, the busy streets (and a cow) zoomed by the open shop door, I wondered what I was getting myself into. 

I first consulted with a doctor, then waited for my massage. The massage was performed by a woman, in this very modest country a man wouldn't touch a woman in such a way. I was told to bring a towel, shampoo and soap. As I entered the room I saw a large wooden table and a cook top. The women in Tamil, told me to take off my clothes. I had no choice, I had to be naked. In America we get massages and have blankets to cover our bodies, here it was come as you are. I then sat on a stool and she poured warm oil on my head for approximately 15 minutes. 

After the head massage, I was told to get on the table and I had a full massage with copious amounts of oil. The massage was rigorous and felt amazing. They massaged everywhere, and I mean, everywhere. 

After the massage I was told to sit up and the woman disappeared. She then came back with a red drink. As travelers to India we come with strict rules, don't drink the water, no street food, avoid ice at all costs and unless it is sealed, don't drink it. As she handed me the drink I pretended to drink it. "Nandri", (thank you) I said. She then motioned for me to finish the beverage. I had no choice. I drank half and pretended I couldn't stomach another drop. That wasn't appeasing her, I had to drink all of it. So I thought 'what the hell' and then chugged it, hoping for the best. 

I then went into a wooden box, that closed on all sides. My head fit through like a guillotine. The box was connected to a tube where boiling water and aromatic oils were pumped in; that is where I sat for about 15 minutes. I have never sweat so much in my life. 

Following the sauna I moved to the shower for a bucket shower. I was finished, it was amazing and I felt so wonderful. 

Market Visit

Internet, how I have missed you. I have't had Internet in days so I am unable to post about our adventures. Three days ago, before work we woke up early for a trip to the Chennai market. We were told we couldn't purchase anything, since as soon as they see foreigners, the price goes up, up and up. So we would just walk through and enjoy. 

The market was truly unlike anything I have ever seen. More than 5,000 people carrying produce on their back and another 5,000+ selling their goods inside and outside. The smell is intense, the floor is wet, but the vibe is truly amazing. 

One of the things I am loving about Chennai, is it isn't a tourist town. So the majority of people have never seen a white person. Honestly, since we arrived, we have only seen one non-Indian, and it was at the market. As soon as we park we are assaulted by homeless children, many naked. They are sent by their parents, whom you can see ushering them up to us from the side of the road. They grab your legs, your hands and your arms - asking for money, making the sign for food, it is intense, but we ignore them. In India it is not appropriate to give money to a homeless person if they look like they are able to work. If they are old, feeble and unable to work, then it is OK to give money. 

Walking through the market you hears the men asking for photos. We are told that they believe if you take their photo they will be famous in America. We don't want to stand out, so we limit the images we snap. 

The attached pictures don't even do one bit of justice to the beauty that was in this market. I was moved to tears, realizing how much I love India and how this place is filled with such beauty. 

Here they talk all flowers off the stems

This is the electrical 

Orientation Day

My inability to sleep more than 3 hours in a row has traveled with me to India; which means I met the sun this morning. I took an early morning walk around the neighborhood, listened to the birds chirp, motorbikes beep and leaves rustle in the slight wind. 

The weather is very hot, with 98 percent humidity. I basically have never sweat this much in my entire life, however, I am oddly accepting it. Even though each room is not cool from AC, there are fans, and as long as I plant myself under one, the heat becomes a bit more bearable. NOTE: This mentality is only for India, I will still keep a very cold office, make Derek and the kids wear sweaters indoors during the summer and always have a fan blowing on me. 

But here, I seem to be making the most of it. Good thing, because the program is just beginning. Our entire team has arrived; four amazing ladies, and today was orientation day. As we sat at our communal table, sharing stories and weaving the fabric of new friendships, India unfolded at our door. A man playing a wooden horn instrument asking for money, a gentleman on a bike selling fresh mangos in the street - calling out, hoping for interest (it is mango season). Hour after hour, someone new and another memory made. 

Here the doors are nearly always open, to let the heat escape and any air to move freely. Neighborhood cats come to see if it is time for a treat, the friendly crow sits at the window sill. It truly is unlike anything I have ever seen. I keep saying it seems like a movie set. It is all too vibrant, too pungent, too busy, too colorful to be true. But it is; it is India. Just as I had hoped it to be. 

Throughout the day, our team spent several hours learning about the work opportunities here in Chennai for the volunteers, along with visualizing and specifying our team goals. It was truly amazing how similar our minds were in what outcomes we had hoped for the trip. We are team 156 and I hope we will be life-long friends. 

Following lunch we took a short walk around the winding, narrow streets of the neighborhood. It is Sunday, so the streets were very quiet. Sure it could have been the sweltering heat and crippling humidity, but regardless, it was quiet. Even on a short walk there is beauty everywhere, even among debris in the road, you can look up and see something that makes you stop and stare. 

In the evening we went to SEAMS Children's Home to visit the boys who live there. The boys are so full of life, with bright eyes and wide smiles. They welcome us, strangers, with open arms and a big heart. I need to take lesson. 

Dinner was a delight, the food here is so amazingly good. Roni, our cook is truly talented and everything is fresh, purchased and made immediately. But don't get me wrong, I would sell my right arm for a bagel. 

After dinner I washed dishes with another team member, Jenna. She soaped and I used tongs to dip the plates into boiling hot water to sanitize. At home I hate loading the dishwasher - perspective setting for sure. 

Tomorrow begins our service work. I will be working, along with two of my other team mates, at St. Thomas Children's Hospital with mothers of children with special needs. We will be helping in any way possible to teach proper care, and offer support for them and their young child. I can hardly wait to begin. 

Quote of the day: Our host, Stephen, told us this today and I laugh every time I think of it. 

"If you have patience you will lose it in India. If you don't have patience, you will get it in India." 

It's Been a Long Time Coming

It is truly surreal to me that I am sitting in a mosquito-net covered bed, fan running and listening to birds chirp from Chennai, India. It has always been my dream, from as far as I can remember to visit this continent and the fact that I am finally here is so fulfilling. 

Being an obsessive-compulsive, anxiety-filled, type-A personality, I was really worried about my surroundings and if I would be able to "handle it". Well, it is different, to say the least, but the people have been so kind and the culture is so beautiful, I have no room to complain. I did have one diva moment when the power went out and for 30 minutes - I thought I was in a lava pit, I asked our host for reassurance "this doesn't happen a lot, right? And if it does it is only for a few minutes?" Please God let him say what I want, NEED to hear. "Sometimes it goes out for the full day." he replied. Um, what? I am going to pretend I didn't hear that. 

The neighborhood we are staying in is upper-middle class, but in American that certainly wouldn't be the case. there is a true sense of community in this area, something you don't typically see in the US. 



Day one the most striking things I saw where a small man with a wheeling cart, topped with a sewing machine. The neighborhood brings him clothes that are in need of repairs and he fixes them; right there, in the blazing heat on the sidewalk. There are little street food places every corner, small store fronts fixing computers, selling motorbike insurance and sharing conversation. I am in awe of the contractors who walk around barefoot, climbing the house they are working on, and laying cement in between brick with their own hands, no tools. 

For the first time in my life I am truly the minority and I am loving that feeling. 

Sure, I'd sell a kidney for an ice cube, but that is neither here nor there.

In a week

In exactly one week I will be departing Phoenix for Austin to London and then to India. As I prepare for my trip I have learned a few things about myself. 

1. I have no clue how to read time that looks like this 13:04. It is annoying, confusing and frankly bothers me. I know, it is universal, blah blah, but AM and PM works just fine for me. Thanks. 

2. You can't have too many lists. I have several packing spreadsheets, electronic folders for travel documents, lists for things to do when bored, lists of books to read, podcasts to download and listen to, and reminder lists to walk me off the ledge when I realize I am dirty, hot and may or may not be freaking out. 

3. Anyone who knows me knows my vices. A trip without alcohol has made me think about getting tattoos depicting my new straight-edge ways. I don't think I have ever gone on vacation, without a celebratory drink (or more). Thank god for airline vodka bottles. 

4. I take a lot of meds. Piggie-backing off of number 3, I like medicine. Walgreens basically knows my car by how many times I pull into the drive-thru. So getting my restless leg meds, anxiety meds, migraine meds, sleeping meds and malaria meds all together, I am basically like a walking pharmacy. 

5. I need to binge eat all the food I will be without. I dislike India food. Sorry, but I do. So I suspect I will need to live off of naan and Kind bars which I have stock-piled like a doomsday prepper. 

6. I am always looking at glass half-empty. I know it will be amazing, the people will be kind, I will make it, people have done way harder things than this - so knowing that...just let me think negatively until I get there. Thanks. 

7. You can never have too many packing cubes. A disorganized suitcase is the sign of the devil. 

8. I have an acerbic tongue and hope I can keep it in check. I want to be very kind and not come off as a bitchy American (even though I clearly am one). 

9. I hate all my clothes and basically don't own anything that I think I will be comfortable in. 

10. I have more of a fear of dirt than I ever thought. Would it be weird to cover my Tumi in a garbage bag to prevent dust? Yes? Dang. 

The biggest thing I have learned is really something I knew all along. My mind is that of a Type A, OCD, hyper-negative nut. I overthink everything and in the end, my lack of control and knowing what to expect is what causes all anxiety. 

I am getting excited. I can't wait to meet the people, smell the air and get my hands "dirty" in volunteering. Not really dirty though, I have no interest in building, shoveling or painting. See #8.

Thank you!

It has taken me a few weeks to be able to truly communicate what else occurred on May 7, 2015; the day we adopted Leilani. Walking out of the court room, I felt such love. I was surrounded by family members, great friends and team members who have been there from the beginning moments when Leilani was placed into CPS custody. I was over the moon with joy, my own version of Oxytocin was being released and it was amazing. 

As I wiped my tears and was getting ready to give the "thanks for coming" hugs, my dear friend, Alexis gave me a card. You see, there was someone very special who was missing from court that day, Leilani's godmother and my amazing friend, Jill. Alexis told me "this is from Jill, and all of us....plus more". Jill was there in spirit of course, she always is, but I had no idea what she and so many others had done for us. 

Coordinated by Jill, executed by Alexis and supported by so many; Derek and I were gifted with a crowd funded, first-ever family vacation. As I read the amazing words from the people we love so much, I wept. 

There isn't an appropriate way to thank all of the people who made this possible; we are incapable of finding the words. I hope each and everyone knows how touched, overwhelmed and truly honored we are to have you in our lives. 

In about six months we will arrive in Mexico and enjoy a vacation, just the three of us, as a family. As we smile for pictures, laugh in the sand and make memories, we will think of each of you for making it possible. 

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 




Jill - I can't think of a better Godmother for Leilani. You are a true friend, mentor and someone I am honored to have in my life. 


Alexis - For more than a decade we have been so close. Your friendship, support and love means more than you know. 

Christina - From moment one I have adored you. You can tie a mean scarf and are a perfect person and friend. 

Gwyn - What would I do without you? You are a great friend and like a second mother to me. 

Ken - I am honored to work beside you again. Thank you and Karen for your continued support in so many areas of work and life. 

Sara - You know I am obsessed with you. Not since high school have I found someone as similar in personality as me. I adore you and know we will be friends for life. 

Ashley Nowe - You amaze me in all you are capable of (and I don't just mean how much you can dead lift). 

Melody - You are perfection, thanks for always making me laugh and realizing when good food in around there is no need for conversation. 

Ashley Rice - Thank you for always being the positive to my negative and for showing me what a good tarp roll looks like. 

Cindy - Thank you for your support and kindness. 

Rachele - Wow, that is all I can say. Your commitment to the community, your family and friends is truly honorable. Thank you. 

David & Gloria Marshall - Thank you for raising the best father and husband I could ask for. They broke the mold with Derek and Leilani and I couldn't be more blessed. 

Gillian - Thank you so much for always being a great support. 

Helen - Thank you for thinking of and supporting us. You are truly an inspiration and I am honored to know you. 

La Monica - I will never forget our talk at the lake. I cried on your shoulder the fear I had of losing Leilani. Your support and love has gotten me through many rough times. XOXO.

Andrea - Your strength, capability and friendship is something unlike anything I have ever seen. Thank you. 

Joelyn - Thank you for everything. 

Monica - My Bollywood sister, thank you.

Mom & Dad - I meant more than you know to have you visit and meet Leilani. I hope we are making you proud. 

Melissa & Cesar - You are both nicer than I could ever be. I adore you and am so happy we are friends. 

Nicole, Patrick & Rory - Thank you for always being there for me. XOXO. 

Alyson - You are perfection. Thanks for allowing me to curse so much and for believing in me, always. 

Stacy - You are a great sister and I thank you for everything. 

Kim, John, Michelle, Danielle & Hailey - Much love, thank you.

Dana - We are both moms! I adore you and look forward to seeing this next chapter play out in both of our lives. 

Breanne & Sam - Derek and I feel so fortunate to have met you both. Thank you for your continued support. 

Cathy Jo & Haden - I look up to you both so much. Thank you for always believing in me and guiding me in all I dream of accomplishing. 

THANK YOU,
Erin, Derek and Leilani

3:37:57PM

On a day in October 2013 I received a call to pick up a little girl, just 6 months of age from a dusty, cluttered Child Protective Services office. Little did I know, that doe-eyed little girl would change my life. 

There she was, where she had been for hours, sitting on the floor in a car seat. She was cold, tired and scared. Wearing ill-fitted leggings (which we still have) and a stained white onesie, I scooped her in my arms and the wishing began. 


Since that moment, there has not been a candle blown out, a penny thrown in a fountain, a necklace clasp repositioned or a star looked up at that I have not wished for her to be officially our child. 

Leilani's story is not unlike the stories of hundreds of thousands of foster kids in the system. It has been a long, painful, hopeless and often gut wrenching process. 

I had many dark days, far more than I care to admit or that many even know about. Often I would stare in the distance, eyes unfocused and stomach sinking, just knowing I wasn't strong enough to let her go, if I had to. We love all of the children we have been placed with, but Leilani was different, she was my heart. I can't explain it, but she was meant to be with us. I realize I stand on the shoulders of so many amazing foster parents, and no greater words ring true - 'it isn't up to us' where the child ends up. So until that moment, all I could do was to keep wishing. 

I rarely am at a loss for words. My voice tends to lead many conversations, I am loud, opinionated and sometimes unforgiving. However, when something truly matters, when speaking of that thing rattles the fibers of my soul; I tend to get silent. I haven't been able to write my feelings and have gone dark in many ways. I worried if I didn't knock on every piece of wood, touch every picture a certain way, recite certain words silently, somehow my wish wouldn't come true. 

I am elated to say, that last week, at 3:37:57PM, in a small courtroom in Tucson, AZ, my wish was granted. Derek and I were officially named the parents of Leilani Ansley Marshall. She is ours, forever and ever. 

And now our story truly begins, but that is not to say she doesn't bring with it her own table of contents. About two months ago we were sent her case file. More than 200 pages of depressing details, drug exposure, abuse, neglect, mental illness, the list goes on and on. One day I may get past page two, one day I may find the contents of the pages useful, but for now that narrative is far too much for me to process. 

Leilani will always know she was adopted. She will always know why she doesn't have our eyes, skin color and genetics. But one thing I hope she knows more than anything is how much we wanted her, how much we fought for her and how, no matter what, she will always have our heart.