Work It Out

Do you remember years ago, in that famous missing person's case, the woman's husband said she had went out for a run and never came back. Well ladies and gentlemen, if I should ever go missing, (first, check under my desk as I might just be napping) your response to authorities must always be: 

"She just left for a run, like she always does, and never came back."

Then everyone will think that I am fit, health conscious and must have great calves. None of which are true.

As I get older I reflect more on the changes I want to make in my life. I have always struggled with my weight, up and down, obsession after obsession, and eating disorders. Everyone who is close to me knows my love of vomiting (but that is neither here nor there). 

So this year I said I wanted to get back into fitness, really, I was never in it, but what the hell - getting back into something sounds a lot better than starting it. So instead of my normal weight lifting, which consisted of lifting up the handle of vodka, I decided to join a gym (I actually joined three, but again, another story) and start working out. 

As I began my journey I recalled my friend from high school who said "just because you're a vegetarian, doesn't mean you don't eat chocolate". This was in response to someone who was shocked she wasn't a size 2. I face this problem daily, I am not a size 2. I have never been and probably never will be. 

I have always eaten well, we don't have chocolate, chips or soda in our house. We do have snap peas, kale, Kombucha, light almond milk and diet soda stream grapefruit (this is like crack to me, but I limit myself). I don't eat white rice, white bread, fried food (hardly ever), meat or dairy. But what I do like, is carbs. I have never met a potato I didn't want to marry and I crave pasta more than sex. 

Most of my friends are super skinny, which makes me think I need to get new friends. But I have recently found new (as Wendy Williams says) "Friends in My Head", Karena and Katrina from Tone it Up http://toneitup.com/. I have been religiously following their workouts and they are amazing. Plus, super hot, which doesn't hurt either. A little eye candy when you are pushing yourself never hurts- way better than that P90X creep. 

So far, it has been great. Successful and somewhat painless. But seriously, I would kill someone for the ability to eat a pound of mashed potatoes. 

I hate when people notice you have lost weight. I often think "Geez, how fat was I before?". And don't get me started on when people DON'T notice you have lost weight. You want to scream "I am basically wasting away here, damn it!"

So that brings me back to running. I won't run, don't ask me...but if anyone asks you - I am always at the track running and the time I broke my foot, that was simply from a long hard run....not a flop over in my wedges after a shopping trip. 

Ready to break a sweat? Ugh, me neither - sweating makes me break out. And I am way too old for acne. 

Excuse me, I'm on business

I have always romanticised business travel. I grew up picturing myself jetting off in a pressed business suit, a designer laptop bag being pulled behind me. Staying in classy hotels, ordering room service and a second cocktail on the company. New cities, new experiences and frequent flyer privileges. I was in love with the idea. 

Then, I started traveling. 

Let me break it down for you:

Airports - we all know them, we all hate them. When you are on business travel you hate them even more because you aren't putting up with the lines, handsy TSA agents and bitchy passengers, to get to your island getaway. The entire time you are waiting, ushered through security like cattle and scrutinized for your eye cream being more than 3 ounces. 'Hello TSA, I have to prevent wrinkles and it takes more than 3 ounces to look good.' 

Food - Being a vegan basically means I have to eat ice berg lettuce, baby carrots stashed in my luggage and Perrier for 'that full feeling'. The cities I travel too aren't the big ones, so being a vegan comes with an eye roll and search for my ubiquitous hacky sac. 

Hotels - here it gets fun. Some hotels are fine, they have decent beds, a TV to watch the local news (seriously, why don't hotels have better channels?) and workout rooms. Then there are the dreaded hotels, the ones you have to stay in because all others are booked. Case in point, the picture below. Taken from a hotel I immediately checked out of five minutes after arriving. Don't get me wrong, my employer is great and does attempt to get me in decent hotels, but it isn't always possible. And sometimes you have to step over a couch or two. 

Here are my rules for putting up with the woes that may come with travel. 

• Always wear ear buds (in the airport, on the plane, in line for the rental car and in the gym), never take them off or people will assume you are interested in chatting. And you NEVER are. 
• You might as well cancel the trip if you are in the middle airplane seat. Enough said. 
• Protein bars are your life line, and so is vodka.
• Just be lucky you have a job that requires mobility. You could be stuffing lettuce bags on an assembly line. 

So until the next trip.....

Scared to Death

Yesterday was one of those days, weighted down by uncertainty. I kept trying to remind myself that my life is good, I am fortunate and no matter what - we can't control the outcome. 

Any foster parent knows the heavy chest feeling. The feeling that you kiss your kids goodnight and you aren't sure how many more times you will have that chance. You try not to play out the last moments, the inevitable goodbyes and the tears that will flow. 

I often don't share the ins-and-outs of what is going on, as it is to painful to hear "they can't let that happen." and "I would never put up with that." The real answer, we have no voice. We have no say, it isn't up to us. 

If you are reading this you know I have the perfect daughter. She is everything I have ever wanted; smart, sassy, full of attitude and a killer fashion sense. She is my everything. However, it is unknown how the case will play out. For 16 months I have been her boo-boo kisser, her tickle monster, her big hugs and kisses - I have been her mommy. Each day we hear things that in a normal world would make all the difference in the case, but for some reason it doesn't work out that way. 

So we do all we can do - wait, hold our breath and try not to let the tears well up in the thought of a possible future without. 

Foster care is very lonely. Not many people in your circles are licensed foster parents, and it is so hard to know the ache, frustrations and highs and lows of this area without having lived it. I have met only two lovely ladies who I have become friends with, who we can curse and share our stories with - while others sit, gripping their toddlers hands, thinking "I would die without my child." Yes, we worry the same thing too.

I question my strength everyday. I question whether this is the right journey for me, surely there is something easier. I could just get pregnant, have my own baby and hold him/her so tight no one would ever take them away. But I have never been one to take the easy route - I like to do things that scare me. 

And frankly, I am scared to death.