Scared to Death

Yesterday was one of those days, weighted down by uncertainty. I kept trying to remind myself that my life is good, I am fortunate and no matter what - we can't control the outcome. 

Any foster parent knows the heavy chest feeling. The feeling that you kiss your kids goodnight and you aren't sure how many more times you will have that chance. You try not to play out the last moments, the inevitable goodbyes and the tears that will flow. 

I often don't share the ins-and-outs of what is going on, as it is to painful to hear "they can't let that happen." and "I would never put up with that." The real answer, we have no voice. We have no say, it isn't up to us. 

If you are reading this you know I have the perfect daughter. She is everything I have ever wanted; smart, sassy, full of attitude and a killer fashion sense. She is my everything. However, it is unknown how the case will play out. For 16 months I have been her boo-boo kisser, her tickle monster, her big hugs and kisses - I have been her mommy. Each day we hear things that in a normal world would make all the difference in the case, but for some reason it doesn't work out that way. 

So we do all we can do - wait, hold our breath and try not to let the tears well up in the thought of a possible future without. 

Foster care is very lonely. Not many people in your circles are licensed foster parents, and it is so hard to know the ache, frustrations and highs and lows of this area without having lived it. I have met only two lovely ladies who I have become friends with, who we can curse and share our stories with - while others sit, gripping their toddlers hands, thinking "I would die without my child." Yes, we worry the same thing too.

I question my strength everyday. I question whether this is the right journey for me, surely there is something easier. I could just get pregnant, have my own baby and hold him/her so tight no one would ever take them away. But I have never been one to take the easy route - I like to do things that scare me. 

And frankly, I am scared to death.