Forget the risk and take the fall

One thing I can say about myself is I am a worrier. I remember being a little kid and walking up in the middle of the night to study my spelling words. I worried kids wouldn't like my Valentine's cards, my outfit, my hair (which they never did). I worried my sister would leave for college (mind you, she was 8 when I would worry about this), I worried I would die fat, alone and zit faced. 

As I have grown up, I am a bit wiser, but the worrying never stops. I now know how to "focus" that worry. But some days, around certain things, it consumes me. I read something the other day that stopped me in my tracks, it said that if you want to know what someone worries the most about losing - see what they take the most pictures of. 

When I get into my funk of worrying, I shut down, close out the world and just sit in my head of anxiety. I replay potential outcomes, try to create lists and control the situation and ask the most important few people in my life, the same questions over and over again - until I hope they give me the answer I am seeking. 

So what has brought on all this worry? The unknown, the potential of loss and the realization that I may not be strong enough for what I  know can happen. Court tomorrow - just breathe. 

Someone told me the other day I was too attached, I needed to protect myself and not be so out there with it all. It hurt me incredibly, and perhaps it hurt because it held truth. But I will not apologize for loving until it hurts. I will not close myself off because I am afraid of the outcome. I will face each day with hope and a head full of what ifs.