In exactly one week I will be departing Phoenix for Austin to London and then to India. As I prepare for my trip I have learned a few things about myself.
1. I have no clue how to read time that looks like this 13:04. It is annoying, confusing and frankly bothers me. I know, it is universal, blah blah, but AM and PM works just fine for me. Thanks.
2. You can't have too many lists. I have several packing spreadsheets, electronic folders for travel documents, lists for things to do when bored, lists of books to read, podcasts to download and listen to, and reminder lists to walk me off the ledge when I realize I am dirty, hot and may or may not be freaking out.
3. Anyone who knows me knows my vices. A trip without alcohol has made me think about getting tattoos depicting my new straight-edge ways. I don't think I have ever gone on vacation, without a celebratory drink (or more). Thank god for airline vodka bottles.
4. I take a lot of meds. Piggie-backing off of number 3, I like medicine. Walgreens basically knows my car by how many times I pull into the drive-thru. So getting my restless leg meds, anxiety meds, migraine meds, sleeping meds and malaria meds all together, I am basically like a walking pharmacy.
5. I need to binge eat all the food I will be without. I dislike India food. Sorry, but I do. So I suspect I will need to live off of naan and Kind bars which I have stock-piled like a doomsday prepper.
6. I am always looking at glass half-empty. I know it will be amazing, the people will be kind, I will make it, people have done way harder things than this - so knowing that...just let me think negatively until I get there. Thanks.
7. You can never have too many packing cubes. A disorganized suitcase is the sign of the devil.
8. I have an acerbic tongue and hope I can keep it in check. I want to be very kind and not come off as a bitchy American (even though I clearly am one).
9. I hate all my clothes and basically don't own anything that I think I will be comfortable in.
10. I have more of a fear of dirt than I ever thought. Would it be weird to cover my Tumi in a garbage bag to prevent dust? Yes? Dang.
The biggest thing I have learned is really something I knew all along. My mind is that of a Type A, OCD, hyper-negative nut. I overthink everything and in the end, my lack of control and knowing what to expect is what causes all anxiety.
I am getting excited. I can't wait to meet the people, smell the air and get my hands "dirty" in volunteering. Not really dirty though, I have no interest in building, shoveling or painting. See #8.
It has taken me a few weeks to be able to truly communicate what else occurred on May 7, 2015; the day we adopted Leilani. Walking out of the court room, I felt such love. I was surrounded by family members, great friends and team members who have been there from the beginning moments when Leilani was placed into CPS custody. I was over the moon with joy, my own version of Oxytocin was being released and it was amazing.
As I wiped my tears and was getting ready to give the "thanks for coming" hugs, my dear friend, Alexis gave me a card. You see, there was someone very special who was missing from court that day, Leilani's godmother and my amazing friend, Jill. Alexis told me "this is from Jill, and all of us....plus more". Jill was there in spirit of course, she always is, but I had no idea what she and so many others had done for us.
Coordinated by Jill, executed by Alexis and supported by so many; Derek and I were gifted with a crowd funded, first-ever family vacation. As I read the amazing words from the people we love so much, I wept.
There isn't an appropriate way to thank all of the people who made this possible; we are incapable of finding the words. I hope each and everyone knows how touched, overwhelmed and truly honored we are to have you in our lives.
In about six months we will arrive in Mexico and enjoy a vacation, just the three of us, as a family. As we smile for pictures, laugh in the sand and make memories, we will think of each of you for making it possible.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Jill - I can't think of a better Godmother for Leilani. You are a true friend, mentor and someone I am honored to have in my life.
Alexis - For more than a decade we have been so close. Your friendship, support and love means more than you know.
Christina - From moment one I have adored you. You can tie a mean scarf and are a perfect person and friend.
Gwyn - What would I do without you? You are a great friend and like a second mother to me.
Ken - I am honored to work beside you again. Thank you and Karen for your continued support in so many areas of work and life.
Sara - You know I am obsessed with you. Not since high school have I found someone as similar in personality as me. I adore you and know we will be friends for life.
Ashley Nowe - You amaze me in all you are capable of (and I don't just mean how much you can dead lift).
Melody - You are perfection, thanks for always making me laugh and realizing when good food in around there is no need for conversation.
Ashley Rice - Thank you for always being the positive to my negative and for showing me what a good tarp roll looks like.
Cindy - Thank you for your support and kindness.
Rachele - Wow, that is all I can say. Your commitment to the community, your family and friends is truly honorable. Thank you.
David & Gloria Marshall - Thank you for raising the best father and husband I could ask for. They broke the mold with Derek and Leilani and I couldn't be more blessed.
Gillian - Thank you so much for always being a great support.
Helen - Thank you for thinking of and supporting us. You are truly an inspiration and I am honored to know you.
La Monica - I will never forget our talk at the lake. I cried on your shoulder the fear I had of losing Leilani. Your support and love has gotten me through many rough times. XOXO.
Andrea - Your strength, capability and friendship is something unlike anything I have ever seen. Thank you.
Joelyn - Thank you for everything.
Monica - My Bollywood sister, thank you.
Mom & Dad - I meant more than you know to have you visit and meet Leilani. I hope we are making you proud.
Melissa & Cesar - You are both nicer than I could ever be. I adore you and am so happy we are friends.
Nicole, Patrick & Rory - Thank you for always being there for me. XOXO.
Alyson - You are perfection. Thanks for allowing me to curse so much and for believing in me, always.
Stacy - You are a great sister and I thank you for everything.
Kim, John, Michelle, Danielle & Hailey - Much love, thank you.
Dana - We are both moms! I adore you and look forward to seeing this next chapter play out in both of our lives.
Breanne & Sam - Derek and I feel so fortunate to have met you both. Thank you for your continued support.
Cathy Jo & Haden - I look up to you both so much. Thank you for always believing in me and guiding me in all I dream of accomplishing.
THANK YOU,
Erin, Derek and Leilani
On a day in October 2013 I received a call to pick up a little girl, just 6 months of age from a dusty, cluttered Child Protective Services office. Little did I know, that doe-eyed little girl would change my life.
There she was, where she had been for hours, sitting on the floor in a car seat. She was cold, tired and scared. Wearing ill-fitted leggings (which we still have) and a stained white onesie, I scooped her in my arms and the wishing began.
Since that moment, there has not been a candle blown out, a penny thrown in a fountain, a necklace clasp repositioned or a star looked up at that I have not wished for her to be officially our child.
Leilani's story is not unlike the stories of hundreds of thousands of foster kids in the system. It has been a long, painful, hopeless and often gut wrenching process.
I had many dark days, far more than I care to admit or that many even know about. Often I would stare in the distance, eyes unfocused and stomach sinking, just knowing I wasn't strong enough to let her go, if I had to. We love all of the children we have been placed with, but Leilani was different, she was my heart. I can't explain it, but she was meant to be with us. I realize I stand on the shoulders of so many amazing foster parents, and no greater words ring true - 'it isn't up to us' where the child ends up. So until that moment, all I could do was to keep wishing.
I rarely am at a loss for words. My voice tends to lead many conversations, I am loud, opinionated and sometimes unforgiving. However, when something truly matters, when speaking of that thing rattles the fibers of my soul; I tend to get silent. I haven't been able to write my feelings and have gone dark in many ways. I worried if I didn't knock on every piece of wood, touch every picture a certain way, recite certain words silently, somehow my wish wouldn't come true.
I am elated to say, that last week, at 3:37:57PM, in a small courtroom in Tucson, AZ, my wish was granted. Derek and I were officially named the parents of Leilani Ansley Marshall. She is ours, forever and ever.
And now our story truly begins, but that is not to say she doesn't bring with it her own table of contents. About two months ago we were sent her case file. More than 200 pages of depressing details, drug exposure, abuse, neglect, mental illness, the list goes on and on. One day I may get past page two, one day I may find the contents of the pages useful, but for now that narrative is far too much for me to process.
Leilani will always know she was adopted. She will always know why she doesn't have our eyes, skin color and genetics. But one thing I hope she knows more than anything is how much we wanted her, how much we fought for her and how, no matter what, she will always have our heart.
They say life happens when you are busy making other plans. In my case, that couldn't be more true.
More than a year ago I decided to go to India for what was sure to be a life-changing volunteer trip. I was working a stable job and my family life was peaceful, so I looked at the calendar and selected November 1, 2014 as the date to report for service in Chennai, India.
My plans were made, little did I know, life would happen.
I got laid off from my "stable" job at the end of June, found a new job and truly couldn't be happier. It was a blessing, as now I am doing what I love with people who support and inspire me. I was incredibly fortunate to have a boss who supported my already planned trip and being out of the office for three weeks.
Then court happened. As you know, we have been fighting a difficult system for two years for our foster daughter. A severance trial was scheduled (with no input from foster parents for obvious reasons) and it was scheduled for the week before I was to be traveling to India. One can imagine my horror when the culmination of two years would all come to a head when I was supposed to taking the trip of a lifetime a world away.
I know myself, I live and breath anxiety, there was no way I could go to another country while the fate of my family was being decided thousand of miles away.
I agonized over my decision; I cried on many people's shoulders. I was and still am terrified to let the people down who supported me in my journey, both emotionally and financially. Could I possibly postpone my trip, would they forgive me, was I making the right decision?
I will never forget the words of my friend, she said "you are a mom now, your choices will be different" and that is OK.
That brings us to today and my decision to postpone my trip to India. I will more than likely leave in a few months, when business at my office is slow and the (god willing) adoption of our little angel goes through.
I want this trip to be everything I have dreamed it to be. I want this trip to be a time for me to find myself, sit in solitude and to help others - and I need to be fully present in mind, body and spirit for that to happen.
So I have paid a penalty fee and am starting to feel OK with my decision, and this week the universe confirmed I made the right choice.
Last week we received the news the boys would be transitioning home on the day I was set to fly to India. I am sure to be devastated and being away from my support systems at that time wouldn't be good.
Then, I learned on Tuesday my dear grandmother passed away. My sadness requires support from so many and being away wouldn't have helped the situation.
So in all, no matter how much it sucks and how disappointed I am, I know I made the right decision.
I promise all my friends and family who have supported me, I didn't make this decision lightly. I have lost sleep, shed many tears and feel many pangs of disappointment - but I will make it to India very soon and when I do, I know it will be the right time.
Yesterday we received the news we knew was coming, our two sweet boys will be leaving soon - very soon. We knew it was coming, but once you see the date the reality of it all sets in. In just a few days the boys you have held while they cried, left constant night lights on for, taught to walk, talk and dance will no longer need you.
They will be gone.
Getting into foster care these truths are something we are well aware of, but it doesn't make the goodbyes any less heart-wrenching. For 18 months we were his everything, we amended our license and amended our home for the last 12 months to bring in his brother. Now, they will be gone and I have a hole in my heart.
The fact that they are going home, where they belong, to a good and decent family is more than we could have hoped for. My hope is that they look back on this time with us as a respite from their life, a chance to be safe, learn to smile again, trust others, have fun adventures, and feel the warm pull of a truly loving hug.
In the next few days I will do what I always do, make a photo album, write them each letters from my heart, kiss them goodbye and hope that one day I can see them again, one day I can remind them how much I loved them and how many times they made me smile.
In a few short days the crying, tantrums, endless basketball games and sweet kisses will end, and I will no longer be there mother. In a few short days my responsibilities cease to exist for them, I will no longer need to worry if they brushed their teeth, have a wet diaper, ate a healthy lunch or need their nails trimmed.
The nightlight will turn off and the darkness sadness and scares me.
1. I have no clue how to read time that looks like this 13:04. It is annoying, confusing and frankly bothers me. I know, it is universal, blah blah, but AM and PM works just fine for me. Thanks. 
