27 Days

Twenty-seven days ago my life abruptly shifted. Same old story, a horrifically typical cliche, one that will forever change the path of my life and my daughter's. 

At first I was in a fog, a fog mostly consisting of tears and Taylor Swift. In those first 5 days I had this energy all over my body. I was hot and viciously cold. I layered up, but yet couldn't get warm. It was as if the love for a life you so desperately wanted was evaporating from my soul. I cried more than I ever thought I could. Not for him, it was never for him, but for what I thought my life was going to be. What I had promised Leilani she would have, I cried for the uncertainty of it all, the shear panic of doing it alone and yet the intense fire to show him that I am fine and will survive. 

I honestly don't know how I made it 27 days. I look at the calendar and I have no memory of hours, days, times, events. It is just a blur. One thing about crisis is you truly learn who your friends are and I can tell you, I have amazing friends and family. These amazing women have listened to me cry uncontrollably on the phone, opened their homes to me, listened to me share countless details and curse more than any classy lady possibly should. When I couldn't be alone they were there for me, when I needed to cry at my desk, or sit in their office because I was having a moment. With all the stuff that has risen to the surface, about the true farce that was my marriage, they have been there every step of the way, whatever I needed, just letting me know I am worth another breath and most importantly, Leilani will be OK; because I will be OK.

I feel like a limb has been amputated. My ex was my best friend, my rock, my everything for 16 years. Seeing that change into what it has become is scary and very sad. But no matter what, he is a good father and I will put my anger and disgust aside to make sure Leilani has him in her life. She deserves that. 

One thing that has come from this is an odd strength in the chaos. I have reconnected with friends, myself and my abilities. I have never been a wall flower, someone who relies on a man to do anything for her. Sure I will have to learn a few things, like how to operate a drill or secure an anchor (can you tell I'm redecorating), but I am excited to learn. 

I will be made no one's fool. And as they say; the best revenge is a life well lived.